SCIENCE.

Apr. 28th, 2009 12:43 pm
glvalentine: (nerd alert)
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The best part of this is the expression the horse is giving the viewer. AMAZING.
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My review of the apparent season finale of Eleventh Hour's first season, "Medea," is up at Tor.com.

I thought it couldn't possibly be the season ender, and then they started a new somethingsomething-week series in its time slot, so I guess that WAS the season ender and Eleventh Hour decided to go out with an episode that did not even have a science crime. It was a kidnapping. Period. Also, Agent Marley got shot in the ass with an arrow. Way to wrap it up with a bang, show!

Also, that was the picture released as promo for the season finale. They might as well have captioned it, "Dr. Rufus Sewell and The Great Googly must solve a kidnapping and rescue Agent Marley."

For the next season of this show, here's what I would like to see:

- A show that does not suck.


Think about that over the summer, okay, writers? I mean, either you go all the way with the frozen head thing and make this show the best camp on television, or you develop some actual characters over the break so that science crime is explored, not just solved. For you guys, maybe the frozen head thing is best.
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So, Eleventh Hour has some issues. I make a little list over at Tor.com.

Be sure to check out the video clips, which not only show what this show thinks of the ladies, but also demonstrates that this show thinks that:

1) Designers are willing to use smoke jets that obscure the clothes and
2) Dior would reuse someone else's runway setup. AS. IF.

Kings

Mar. 16th, 2009 03:17 pm
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Last night I watched the two-hour pilot of Kings. I hash it out over at Tor.com. (Summation: not enough Wes Studi. Ever.)

I plan to tune in next week, but that's it; things had better get interesting fast or I'm stopping. I'm already married to one horrible show; I don't need another one.
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My review of "Subway" is up at Tor.com.

I direct your attention to three moments:

- The moment when an FBI agent doesn't think "happenstance" is a real word. Actual quote: "Happenstance? Is that even a word?" Does she have a concussion or something? It does, however, explain a lot about why he's always telling her what a microscope does.

- The moment with Dr. Rufus in the booth, which made me smile, because it was the first futile glimmering of personality we have seen from him. I already miss it, since I know it will never come again, because that's just how this show is.

- This week's single mother gets to live! She does, however, get a Silkwood shower courtesy of Dr. Rufus. Can't win 'em all, single ladies!
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So, in talking about the latest episode of Eleventh Hour over at Tor.com, I have decided that the showrunners have abandoned all other plot and character arcs simply to mess with me. When I mocked the weird make-out setup of hallucinating and needy Rufus, they sent me a third member of the team. When I complained about the obsession with motherhood, they send me a lady scientist who says things like, "I understand logic. I'm a scientist!"

You win this time, show. You win. [Pinter pause.] This time.

I would like, at some point, to sit down with Rufus for an interview wherein I ask him what he thought he was signing up for, and how he feels about it now. Did he really hear this pitch and dream of frowning absently into an electron microscope? Does he regret it now? (He had better regret it now.)
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This show has GOT to be kidding.

I recap the episode at Tor.com as per usual. You will notice that there is yet ANOTHER mother figure.

It's no mystery why they're there, in general; mother figures have a built-in motivation, so they are a godsend for lazy TV writers since no one questions a mother's desire to protect her kid. But seriously, the punishing of single mothers and the converse miraculous protection awarded to married mothers is going past self-parody to the point where it's just insulting. When you know in the first thirty seconds that 1) this character must be pregnant because she's a woman without a visible child and 2) that kid will survive because she was married, your show has a problem. For serious.

Also, you imply that mercury poisoning is easy to clean up as long as you take the mercury-filled fridges out of the water. I just, I mean, what...is WRONG with you?
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Disclaimer: I don't care about Valentine's Day except that it gives me a chance to make a list post. I am the Switzerland of Valentine's day. (Unless people ask me if I'm excited for my "name day," and then I sigh, because seriously, that joke was old in fourth grade, it's old now.)

- Michael Fassbender. You inexplicably turn me all caps, big guy. Can't wait to see you in your disastrous Wuthering Heights next year.

- Star Fleet wallets. I am the bird! (God, did I ever leave the house as an adolescent? Don't answer that.)

- Family and friends. Dear Mom, I love you so much. Sorry I'm not changing my name. Apologize to Grandma for me.

- Fassbender, my portable computer. It allows me to be rude in public whenever I want.

- My TV. It took away the dialogue track for this week's Eleventh Hour. It was amazing. Graeme Revell, one of my favorite composers, gave me a little concert, and I got to see the worst arch-enemy arc in recent memory. See for yourself at Tor.com!

ETA: And I never have to watch another episode of Dollhouse now that I turned in my opinion piece to Fantasy, which makes this day practically Thanksgiving!
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Eleventh Hour is on right now, but my TV is messed up (due to gale-force winds? Who knows) and I am getting a loud, distinct background-music track on everything, and vocals so muted I've given up, since I don't want my TV at max volume.

Good news: I've always said Graeme Revell is an amazing composer; now I have an hour of his background music to appreciate.

I will be making up a plot for my Tor.com post tomorrow. I don't think anyone will notice.

(Man, this is bizarre. It's so much better when no one says anything.)
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My recap is up at Tor.com.

I would like to add, for the record, that if you are going to have your thin, attractive FBI agent drool in her sleep (I call shenanigans, by the way) and make note of Rufus calling it "cute," and then you lock them in a fridge, nobody wants to see them staring dully at each other until somebody gets the bright idea to shoot the lock off, okay? It's Time to Make Out. I don't even like Agent Marley, because she's twelve years old and dumber than a box of hair, but there are rules, you know?

Also, you'd think the FBI agent would make sure not to go in first and leave them open to BEING LOCKED INSIDE A FREEZER.

Also also, as someone who was locked in a walk-in freezer by her coworker once when she worked in a restaurant, the light goes off. Good luck shooting the lock off in the pitch dark!

(Also also also, being locked in a freezer is seriously uncool. Not recommended.)
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My recap of Thursday's Eleventh Hour episode "Miracles" is up at Tor.com.

It has the best thing ever, in that the graphics department slapped a Flash Player pause-button logo in the only corner of the newspaper that was facing the camera. GREAT JOB WITH THE FILLER, GUYS.

No, seriously, go look. I screencapped that thing myself, that's how much I am not joking. Plus there's the clip where you get to watch Rufus google out of his own head pointing to the Flash Player embedded in his newspaper. SCIENCE!
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This week's recap of Eleventh Hour is up at Tor.com.

Now, usually I acknowledge that no one in their right mind would watch this show. I understand and applaud it, and I salute those of you who watch it, like I do, to laugh hysterically.

However, this week Rufus Sewell had to pretend he was tweaking on PCP, which means several things:

1. He loosed that googly eye something fierce.
2. He waved a chair around and screamed about how the universe is dying.
3. He slapped his own head like a high school production of Nell.

You guys, it's amazing. Just trust me, and click on the link, and check out that clip. I have seen it at least four times, and it never stops being funny.

(This guy can actually act, you know! I've seen videotaped proof! Who knows what happened.)
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The People's Choice Awards are apparently tonight!

I resent the Buzz Polls, I won't lie. When I worked there, I had to write multiple-choice trivia questions, and I couldn't use red carpet photos, which took away about 90% of my options. Never have I done so much research on 70s TV shows. NEVER.

Which reminds me:

...not only make her amnesiac, but make her amnesiac AND BLIND, so she would have to "learn by touch" and they could start an evil-twin subplot with the local minor noble, since she would testify they were the same person because they had the same face that she had touched in her AMNESIAC BLINDNESS.


Still want to start a band named Amnesiac Blindness. Sample stage patter: "Thank you, whatever city we're in!"

Apparently Eleventh Hour is nominated for Best New Drama, which I have to think has something to do with the fact that both shows are on CBS and not with the fact that anyone actually enjoys the show.

Well, I do, but for all the wrong reasons. And it's back this week! Welcome, ye googly eye!



(GOOGLY EYE.)

Is it wrong to hope that Rufus Sewell shows up drunk? I mean, chances are good, right?
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My tor.com review is here.

Seriously, this show is hilariously bad. The good news is that if anyone wants to start a band, "Sexually Transmitted Suspended Animation" is probably not taken, and it just looks good, you know?

Also, fire the medical examiner who didn't notice that his corpse's heart was beating five times a minute while he was DOING THE AUTOPSY.

Also also, Rufus tortured a mouse for no reason. I bet later he fed it to his dog. Yeah, he has a dog, didn't you know? Also, he has a crush on his dead wife's best friend! Are you surprised that this is only coming out in the ninth episode of the season? Well, get in line!

Also, they are really not pulling out any stops. There is never a sbutle question of ethics that you have to wrap your mind around. No, it's just flesh-eating bacteria transmitted through The Dirty Deed. Can they save the day before a bunch of worthless drunks in Daytona die? Hint: if you want people to care, don't show us how worthless they are BEFORE you make them sick, because then we sort of get the feeling that someone's just skimming the crud off the gene pool, okay?

PS. Rufus...damn, child, you are looking FINE.
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Tor.com review is up here.

Two things I want to say outside the review:

1. After several episodes with incompetent single mothers, we get an episode in which a teenage dude and chick have sex on a plane. Moments later, she drops dead of the bends. He is, of course, fine. You keep it classy, CBS.

Next week looks like exactly the same setup, only with "during Spring Break" inserted where "on a plane" is now. That is classy TWICE.


2. They hired a lady to be Dr. Rufus's sister, and she spent her entire two-minute cameo asking if Dr. Rufus and Agent Marley were bangin'. (Called it! Also, YES they're bangin'. Where have YOU been?)

Dr. Rufus replied the way I suspect Rufus Sewell replies to that question in real life, by immediately impregnating several women through the power of his saucy stare.

(Also, sis - no, seriously, where have you been? Dr. Rufus has siblings? Will this show continue to pull out random backstory until one day we find out Rufus is a Jedi Knight?)
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Why did they name this episode after the world's most annoying drink? WHY? Were they trying to hurt me?

Sadly, this episode was not bad enough to warrant a recap of its own, seeing as it vacillated between "watchable" and "slightly boring", and there was not ONE frozen head. Not one! I miss you, frozen heads! You were my favorite episode ever! TO THE LAB!

To be fair, this episode was notable for two things - homicidal chimpanzees and Judd Nelson - both of which I discuss over at Tor.com. Because seriously, how can you not join a band named Criminal Chimps? We would have, like, eight thousand band members.
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So, my "official" opinion on this week's episode is up at Tor.com, but I live for the blow-by-blow, you guys, we all know it.

This episode contains the following SCIENCE ALERTS: burgers, my freezer, the sudden-fatal-hypothermia reaction some medications may cause.

It sometimes snows in summer! Also, my wife died. )
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This week takes us to the wide world of smallpox, and makes the sort of science mistakes I remember from NINTH-GRADE BIOLOGY. I'm just saying. I'm no genius, but you know, wear gloves and cover your slides when you're looking at crap, even if it's a plant cell. You might want to especially do those things if you're staring at a highly-contagious sample of smallpox.

But hey, what do I know? Only this: Dr. Rufus and Agent Marley are totally bangin'.

Video proof inside! Also, video proof that Agent Marley is dumber than a box of hair. )
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This recap got insanely long. I don't even know what to tell you, except that it should not take three+ hours to distill a show that sucks as much as this show does. I'm duly ashamed.

Eleventh Hour, "Savant", or, "The One That Did Not Suck As Much As the Others Have Sucked." Some kids are autistic, some kids are savants, some kids like action figures, some kids stare vacantly into the camera wishing for a juice box!

Brought to you by TOOTHPASTE brand toothpaste, when no toothpaste brand wants to be associated with your batshit-crazy grape-molesting show.

...SCIENCE! )
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So I totally forgot Eleventh Hour was last night, and this morning I log on to TV.com in a fit of guilt, desperate to know what this week's "There's a fungus amongus" quote will be, and I see it has a 9.4 rating. Five people thought this episode was SUPERB.

Can someone who saw it let me know if those people were drunk or something? Was the episode actually good? I gotta know!

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Genevieve Valentine

September 2010

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