glvalentine: (omg no)
So, this Christian propaganda film is about the dangers of premarital kissing. (I suspect this is a joint production of Christian Propaganda Enthusiasts and the PDA-Weary NYC Subway Riders' Association, but there's no proof of this.)

Rich at fourfour found a gold mine with this one.




KISSING: THE SILENT KILLER.

Even worse /better than the clip is the actual trailer for the movie, which has a Very Intense Narrator and some astoundingly awkward shots of the father making his daughter hug him, being in her bedroom at night, and generally violating all those personal-space rules he just made for little Pamela. ONE STEP BACK, DAD, THANK YOU.

glvalentine: (omg no)


We know this movie is coming out. We all know how awful it's going to be. We know my capacity for bad movies is pretty elastic.

But for real. Look at that thing.


[Poll #1558438]
glvalentine: (Default)
Generally, my movie-watching habits throughout life have been about 70% things I want to see, 30% things I saw under some social obligation. This has no bearing on their quality (obviously - I mean, look at me); it's just a baseline measurement. And weirdly, it doesn't change much even after I look at when I started to review movies for real. Sure, I would take back the two hours of my life I spent watching Repo Men (and Legion), but in most movies there is a nice moment, or a grain of truth, or some extra who is clearly overjoyed to be there, and even if not, I love movies enough to sit through a few hundred duds in my lifetime.

However, in the last two weeks or so, I have seen a disproportionate number of movies that are really, truly awful. Some were my fault. One was the fault of the person who won a review in the Carl Brandon auction, and made me watch one of the most unbelievable things ever, which you will hear about next week.

And one of them was No Reservations, which I watched for Fair Food Fight. It was awful, but the worst part is probably this, at a key moment in the third act:

Kate: [indicating kitchen] This is who I am.

Nick: No, it's not.


...THUMBS UP, EVERYONE.

I handle this in the review (complete with killshot!), but I had to mention it here, just because I hate it so, so much.

I mean, pretty much any way you parse it, that is a loaded little conversation. (Keep in mind this guy is currently in a brand-new relationship with her, one in which he has addressed the problem of workplace authority by saying almost verbatim, "Well, you'll tell me what to do and I'll do what I want, just like always," and it is never discussed again and things actually play out that way. Plus, as I recall, they are having this conversation because he has just been offered her job and is treating her like a ridiculous harpy for being angry at this news.)

But beyond that (and as also discussed in the review), it's probably more than a little disingenuous to pretend that "chef" is the sort of job you try to rise above, rather than an actual Personage you hope to become, and that for a chef to say that about the kitchen is actually a statement of fact and career accomplishment, not some sort of romantic hangup to be overcome by some coworker you barely know who shows up on your doorstep late at night demanding you eat this unknown substance he made...while you're blindfolded.

Needless to say, my plan for this weekend will be heavy on movies I actually WANT to see. (Suspect Awesome British Actor Camp will feature heavily.)
glvalentine: (Default)
So, I wrote up Legion for Fantasy Magazine.

You guys, this movie was dismal. It had everything it needed to be ridiculous, but took itself so seriously and was so free of anything over-the-top enough to be amusing that the people in my theatre, who started out talking back to the movie at full volume, were checking emails and talking to each other by the 45-minute mark. THEY IGNORED THEIR ELEVEN-DOLLAR MOVIE, THAT IS HOW BAD IT IS.

Also, I mention that I hope Paul Bettany was in this because he lost a bet. This is NO JOKE. I was MORTIFIED for him. And then I came home and figured out that he's going to be in Priest later this year, directed by THE SAME GUY. HE LOST A TWO-MOVIE BET. (I refuse to let myself think otherwise, because if I imagined he read this script and said, "Man, I am so with you on this! Sign me up for this one, and another one that sounds remarkable similar!" I will have to send him a sharply-worded letter.)

Anyway, check out the whole thing and then rest easy knowing you are eleven dollars richer and considerably more sanguine for not having seen this movie.
glvalentine: (Default)
Okay, I had so many issues with this movie I cannot even begin. Luckily, this covers most of them. The line report, movie notes, and me freaking out, below the cuts!

Please note: in the interest of thoroughness, this post is epically long. My bad.

The Line. )

And then it was time for the movie. )

Small essay about how this whole franchise is seriously Bad News. )

Oh, FOX.

Oct. 27th, 2009 02:36 pm
glvalentine: (Default)
I just got a notice from YouTube that my Pathfinder Abridged Classic infringes on Fox's copyright and has been removed from my account.

Two reactions here.

1. Since it's clearly for purposes of criticism and commentary, I might file a fair-use claim, just because I enjoy exercises in futility.

2. Fox. Dudes. YOU made the movie. Don't get pissed at me for pointing out how much it sucks; I just report the news!
glvalentine: (omg no)
There is no element of the origin of this meme that is not amazing.

Please note: the link I provided is work safe. If you click on the link to the original article, discussing the story in question...there be dragons.

(I am sorry in advance for my future overuse of "WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS" at any possible opportunity.)

ETA: Wow, people waste no time these days. Enjoy WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS. It is what they call the best of the best.
glvalentine: (Default)
So, in A Night at the Movies, I mentioned Pathfinder as an appalling example of racism in cinema. I promised to write it up more fully. And I meant to, I really did!

But the problem with this movie is that writing about it doesn't do it justice. It's one thing to write, "The Native American characters are useless." But it really doesn't capture the true flavor of a director who said, "You know who needed saving by a white guy? Those Native Americans who let themselves get killed because they were a bunch of helpless whiners!"

And thus, Pathfinder was born. Because if there was anything that would have stopped that genocide, it was one white dude who Just Wanted to Belong.



It gets worse. )

To get right to the cringing, enjoy the Abridged Classic below.



(Check out more Abridged Classics at Defenestration, [livejournal.com profile] andrewkaye's joint, and home of Eileen who makes me watch Shakira videos.)
glvalentine: (Default)
I wanted to do something really meaningful for International Blog Against Racism Week. Something wrenching, profound, well-written.

I thought about writing a heartfelt essay about people of color in movies. Then I thought about writing a well-organized essay about people of color in movies. Then I thought about creating a list of well-realized people of color in movies. Then I realized there's no way to organize any aspect of this little Hollywood clusterfuck, so let's play it fast and loose, okay? There's just so many ways to be offensive, why stick to just one?

Welcome to A Night at the Movies!



Come in, sit down! Be exploited and stereotyped! It's fun. )
glvalentine: (Default)
I am not the biggest Bond fan in the world. When he's not a cardboard cutout in a tux, he's a suave-slash-vicious example of British imperialist blahblah. Even as a kid I couldn't see the appeal; Bond rarely entertained, the women rarely lived. I caught a couple of the Pierce Brosnan ones, and I like Daniel Craig in the role (though I still haven't seen the latest one he's in), so my cultural awareness of James Bond is more or less a vague impression of guns and boat chases and Timothy Dalton scrunching up his face all the time like he'd just smelled poop. Also, because his girlfriend was probably dead.

All this to say, I was totally unprepared to be surfing channels and to run across Live and Let Die. I couldn't bring myself to turn it off, because I kept waiting for a punch line that never came, and then it was over.

And you guys, we need to talk.

You know, let's just begin with the title card.



Yeah. So, that happens!

You think it can't get ironically better / actually worse? Aren't you sweet. )

Cirque.

Jun. 11th, 2009 11:45 pm
glvalentine: (Default)
Just got back from Cirque du Soleil's Kooza (which just sounds FILTHY).

Technically, it was for research. In reality, it was three hours of me BARFING UP MY OWN HEART. People fell off the high wire, flew off the Russian wheel, and dropped someone from the human tower. By the end of the show I had a blood pressure that only dogs can hear.

Here's a clip from the Russian wheel act, where the dude grabbed the rail to swing up on the outside of the wheel and immediately flew into the net and crashed to the ground. YAY CIRCUS! *barfs up own heart*

glvalentine: (Default)
I am watching Ultraviolet.

Holy CRAP, you guys.

ETA: It's almost over. I am so relieved I could cry, if I weren't dead inside from having seen this movie.

Oh, SIR.

May. 19th, 2009 08:59 pm
glvalentine: (Default)
Raise your hand if you don't know what it means when a stranger you're trying to chat up gives you one-word answers and refuses to make eye contact and keeps looking for their stop.

I am a little Aspy myself, so sometimes a social cue just flies right over my head. I get it. But for fuck's sake, if a stranger doesn't look at you when you're trying to strike up a conversation? Stop talking to them.

I felt so sorry for this woman on the bus, I can't even say.
glvalentine: (Default)
I should have never watched those Chuck/Blair clips!

So, I did another movie news roundup over at Tor.com. Most amusing news story is everyone who's bulking up on their Star Trek fanfiction (no lie) to get ideas for the new movie, which is basically AU fanfic to start with. In the sequel, Spock's going to look in a mirror and the whole ship will explode from the time-space-meta disturbance.

However, in far more disturbing movie news, Michael Fassbender (b. 1977) and Abbie Cornish (b. 1982) were both fired from the new Wuthering Heights movie for being too old. They will be replaced by Ed "Chuck Bass" Westwick (b. 1987) and Gemma Arterton (b. 1986), who are, presumably, slightly farther back from the vast, howling chasm of decrepitude that threatens to overwhelm the aged Mr. Fassbender and Ms. Cornish, who must not be able to sleep for fear the Angel of Death will come to carry their geriatric corpses to the next world.
glvalentine: (Default)
You drop GLBT books from ranks, rendering them basically unfindable, and then you sign your customer service emails like this:

We’re Building Earth’s Most Customer-Centric Company

...awkward!
glvalentine: (omg no)
You know how sometimes the American Girl dolls are just slutty, and they all go to school and have adventures and other things that make them into uppity independent harpies you just can't stomach?

Well, Life of Faith dolls have you covered.

They've created a line of dolls based on "classic Christian literature" (The Bible?) for your little homeschooler to cradle at night when she doesn't have any other friends because you don't let her play with the heathen children.

Let's go shopping, shall we? (Disclaimer: the dolls have some serious Harry Potter names going on. I just report the news.)

First we have Kathleen McKenzie, the creepy baby:



The otherwise-unremarkable doll description includes:

"Kathleen is fully-jointed so she can sit, stand, and be posed in many fun positions. True to her enthusiastic style, Kathleen can even lift her arms in grateful triumph or put her hands together in faithful prayer."


It just gets worse. Stop here if dolls and/or lack of female agency freak you out. )

Oh, Ridley.

Feb. 6th, 2009 10:36 pm
glvalentine: (nerd alert)
Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and used a "make bank" pun in her blog about Ridley Scott's Monopoly movie at Tor.com? THIS MOI.

Seriously, I'm stunned he's doing this. My column is only half-joking, because what the hell, Ridley? What the hell.
glvalentine: (omg no)
There are musical theatre majors who rent the townhouse across from my apartment. They like to gather on the small patio and sing songs from Les Mis and Pippin at 11 at night.

One of them has been singing Alicia Keys' "No One" for two hours.

She has ranged from a step to a half-step flat. She has yet to hit the chorus on key, in two hours of very loud attempts. (I mean, even Alicia Keys can't hit this phrase live. Just don't try!)

She sings through her nose. She has been singing through her nose for two hours.

I very much hope she is singing into a hairbrush, because if she plans to do anything with that voice, it is going to be a looooong year.

Holy crap.

Jan. 15th, 2009 04:21 pm
glvalentine: (omg no)
A US Airways plane has landed in the Hudson. I can see it from my building.

The ferries have circled to help, there are tiny specks that look like they're standing on the water, and the sound of sirens has drowned out every other sound in the city.

If what we're hearing is true, and the pilot landed in the water after his engines died, that's the best fucking plane landing in the world ever. I mean, people are walking away from an emergency water landing.

ETA: And it's over. That was the fastest, most organized emergency response ever, you guys.
glvalentine: (Default)
Scene: my bus stop, at a crowded intersection with many cars.

Enter: an old white lady (75ish), who is CRAZY, runs across the street and bangs with her fist on the window of a car being driven by a young African-American man who is waiting for a green light, listening to music at a reasonable volume - a little bass carries, but compared to the music from the lounges down the street, it's nothing.

CRAZY LADY: *tirade of profanity and window-banging*

DUDE IN CAR: *blinks*

BUS STATION PEOPLE: *blink*

[Crazy lady knocks harder, points with free hand]

CRAZY LADY: If it weren't for us, you wouldn't even BE here!*

DUDE IN CAR: *BLINK*

BUS STATION PEOPLE: ...OMG WHAT?

CRAZY LADY: NOW GO TO CANADA!

[exit crazy lady]

[light turns green]

[dude drives carefully through the intersection as though nothing has happened]


* Yeah, she did.

Profile

glvalentine: (Default)
Genevieve Valentine

September 2010

S M T W T F S
   1234
56 7 8910 11
12 131415161718
19202122232425
2627282930  

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 25th, 2017 08:51 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios