glvalentine: (Default)
Okay. This is the big Eclipse post.

Ten Things About Eclipse has covered the bases.

Yesterday, my piece about The Decline and Fall of the Twilight Empire went up at There, I discussed the fact that as the fandom grows, the quality of actual filmmaking seems to sink like a stone.

(I will be honest, though, looking at my notes for New Moon, I'm not sure if endless music-video tracking shots are any worse than establishing shots with voiceover that then cut to a different location/scene entirely. Still, Eclipse had more to work with and did less with it, so it's probably still the worst movie of the three. I'll have to think about this.)

But first, as always, there was The Line.

Stampede-free, Burger-King-crown heavy. )

I still think the line winner was the girl in a Cullen crest shirt, looking very displeased with her friends: "I was here early IRONICALLY."

These kids speak for all of us.

And then it was time for the movie. Oh, was it ever. )
glvalentine: (omg no)
And the Eclipse postmortem begins! First up: Ten Things You Should Know About Eclipse, at Fantasy Magazine. This information might just save your life. (Or, two hours. Whichever.)

4. Howard Shore did the music.
You’ll know because whenever Bella and Edward make out, it sounds like every pervert in the Shire is creeping up on them.

His hand looks like a questing, half-hidden octopus, doesn't it? (Go ahead, unsee it. I dare you.)

I have an article forthcoming at about the franchise in general and the trend in cinematic quality (hint: yeeeeesh), and last up will be the line report and blow-by-blow, because seriously, you guys? YIKES.
glvalentine: (nerd alert)
So, I promise I have a Cookson and everything lined up for next week, but this week I am slammed with work on all fronts and my blog posts look like a Tumblr. I know! I'm sorry!

Two things.

1. Pre-emptive apology: If this CSI Miami intro-pun thing is not funny anymore and I am totally behind the times, somebody should tell me, because I laugh every time I run across it, no matter what. I feel suspiciously like I am that person who was the VERY LAST PERSON to give up laughing at the "WAZZZAAAAP" beer commercial.

(Note: I never actually laughed at that, because I hated it and everyone in it, but I am always wary of being the last person in the room to be like, "Have I got an amazing cutting-edge cultural reference!" and then I do a Fonzie impression and everyone's quiet for three thousand years until the building crumbles because of tectonic plate shift and I fall gratefully into an abyss.*)

via [ profile] d_princesses

2. Speaking of really dark fairy tales that can easily become more horrifying, this week I wrote up a steampunk remake of Hansel and Gretel that's in the works for next year.

In theory, I approve (steampunk and dark fairy tales and incesty overtones, what's not to like?). However, the news that they're trolling the cast of Twilight like a suspicious old man at a Kinder Kare has me worried, because I don't know if you have noticed this, but that crew is not necessarily made up of the best actors in the world. (Or in their fifty-foot radius.) I know that movie is popular, and I understand that casting Jackson Rathbone sounds like a wise move, but I urge you to actually watch one of those movies and re-evaulate, because for real.
glvalentine: (Default)
My Fantasy Magazine article for this week is What YA Fantasy Means for Movies. Technically this could be summed up with a single dollar sign (or, really, three: $$$ looks greedier!), but I tried to actually write a little about patterns and trends and look slightly less cynical than I am.

A couple of things stood out to me during this, though. One of them is that really solid YA fantasy movies based on novels have been a bit thin on the ground until about ten or fifteen years ago. I mean, in the 90s, a whole year could go by without one. I can't even imagine that now! (Nor would I want to; the fantasy movies tend to have better costumes. Also other reasons, I'm sure, but let's keep it real.)

The second thing is that it is really easy for young ladies to get the short end of the stick here (and everywhere else, but that's a whooole other article). I know on the YA lit front that's not so much the case, but looking at a movie marquee, you have Ramona and Beezus and a lot of supporting parts in dude stories. I mean, when DISNEY is changing the plot of a DISNEY PRINCESS MOVIE to appeal more to boys, we have a problem, you know? It will be interesting to see how that one pans out; I'd reserve judgment and hope it's just some minor plot tweaks, but when they're afraid of calling the movie Rapunzel and change the title, it's kind of a red flag.

Of all the reasons this bothers and confuses me, it's most inexplicable because the YA movie franchise right now that is straight-up aimed at teen women is making money so fast they do not even know what to do with themselves except make character lip gloss for characters whose makeup was laugh-out-loud terrible and wait for hundreds of thousands of young women to buy it. I mean, you know they're out there, you know they have money, and you know they'll see something more than once. Why do you feel like they're not a good enough audience for you to court, Disney? Damn.
glvalentine: (omg no)
At today, I talk about Warner Brothers Studios and their decision to attack the Twilight demographic with a Red Riding Hood adaptation.

In theory, this is a good idea. Fairy-tale retellings are enjoying a renaissance, and there's never been so much money to be made from wolf-riddled stories of sexual awakening. In practice, however, it's written by the guy who wrote Orphan. (We're doomed.)

Check out the article for more movie-nerd thoughts on what this movie is up against!
glvalentine: (Default)
Okay, I had so many issues with this movie I cannot even begin. Luckily, this covers most of them. The line report, movie notes, and me freaking out, below the cuts!

Please note: in the interest of thoroughness, this post is epically long. My bad.

The Line. )

And then it was time for the movie. )

Small essay about how this whole franchise is seriously Bad News. )
glvalentine: (omg no)
So, after I gave a stab at being vaguely professional over at, Fantasy Magazine offered me a chance to drop all pretense. I gently turned them down, saying, "There really wasn't that much more of the movie to make fun of."

Then I laughed and laughed, and wrote them Ten Things You Should Know about New Moon.

7. There is a dreadful shirt shortage on the La Push reservation. Luckily for young werewolves who shred their clothes when making the transformation, the forests of the Pacific Northwest are an excellent natural source of jean cutoffs.

Still to come: a blow-by-blow of the evening, including the stampede, which will never stop being horrifying/funny.
glvalentine: (omg no)
My review of New Moon is up at

I'll have more to say about this movie, later. (Oh, do I EVER have more to say about this movie.) But for now, read and know that, as you read this, this movie is screening to sold-out theatres across the land. Just...think about it.
glvalentine: (omg no)
Just like last year, I'm entering the Twilight fray for one night only. Tonight, I see New Moon at midnight. If I don't return, think well of me!

Sadly, I'm only half-joking about not returning, because last year I blogged the line, and those girls were Not Kidding Around.

9:41pm: They've sold over two thousand tickets. Four theatres sold out. They opened another one. The guy looks really nervous. He has a walkie-talkie. It's on, you guys.

9:45pm: Girl in front of us, realizing what time it is: "We'll be standing in line TWELVE HOURS. That's FANATIC." Her friend: "Yeah. Well, at least I'm obsessing over something important."

9:49pm: They have taken the bridge and the second hall. We have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes, drums... drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow lurks in the dark. We cannot get out - they are coming -

During the movie itself, a theatre with 400 people in it squealed and gasped EVERY TIME Robert Pattinson a) was on screen or b) spoke. So, if he started a line offscreen, everyone gasped. Then when the camera cut to him, they squealed. This went on for HOURS, without people ever getting tired of it. The noise during the kiss scene was enough to puncture an eardrum.

It sounds hilarious - and it was! - and you’d think that the screaming would be an improvement over the dialogue - and it is! - but damn, you guys, this shit has only gotten creepier. I still can't bring myself to write up the line notes from last year. This year, I'm not asking anyone a damn thing. YES IT IS VERY INTERESTING THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND COMES TO YOUR HOUSE AND WATCHES YOU SLEEP BECAUSE HE KNOWS YOU LIKE THAT IN THE BOOK, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ANY MORE ABOUT IT, THANK YOU.

The good news is, I will get to bookend the month by seeing Michael Sheen be in yet another poorly-made and extremely embarrassing fantasy movie. (You bet I saw Rise of the Lycans. AND IT WAS AMAZING. He has a sex scene where he flings his torso over the edge of a cliff, and only the woman attached to his privates keeps him from toppling off. Can he top this tonight? OH, I THINK HE CAN.)

The review should be up tomorrow morning, until then, wish me luck! (Seriously. If they stampede there's no saving me. It's like quicksand, if quicksand wore "Lion and Lamb" shirts.)
glvalentine: (Default)
Walking for the subway tonight, I passed Bath and Body Works.

This store generally doesn't get my attention, mostly because it smells like a horrible accident at the vanilla extract factory. However, today I stopped and, after a moment, was forced to admire the storefront.

Because this is their flagship scent for fall:

Twilight Woods, a not-at-all-relevant perfume for the middle-schooler in your life. Give it to her this holiday season, so she can overapply it on her way to the Spring Fling!

(When I passed the store, the doors were open, and a woman was insde, berating the saleswoman at a shrieking pitch: "BUT SHE WANTS THE BUBBLE BATH. WHY DON'T YOU HAVE IT?"

Bath and Body Works, hats off.

P.S. Twilight Woods smells like a horrible accident at the vanilla extract factory that someone tried to clean up with fifty pounds of baby powder. They missed a serious freesia-tunity here.


Feb. 11th, 2009 10:23 am
glvalentine: (omg no)
Yes, good morning, hi, I'd like to return my hope for future generations? Is this the right place?

Yeah, it is.

That shirt says: "Edward and Jacob - rising the standards for men everywhere"

Rising the standards.

...can I also get a refund on my goodwill towards humanity? Thanks.
glvalentine: (omg no)
Earlier this week we had to go to The Mall to pick up a holiday gift item. While we were there, we passed Hot Topic, and there was no way I wasn't going in there.

You guys, it was awfultastic. I lasted about forty-five seconds, and that was all I needed to see.

The good news is: if you didn't think Christmas was good the first time, it's never too late for a do-over as long as it's Twilight stuff!

For The Special Girl in Your Viewfinder: a tee that tells her why you care enough to rent that cherry picker all the time.

For The Man You'll Regret Marrying by the Time You're Twenty: a pair of rings that reminds you of your place any time you feel like having an opinion.

For Your Child Who's Probably Going to Resent You Anyway: might as well!

Yes, these are actual items. I don't know what to tell you.

In better news, what I actually got for Christmas:

* A pair of loafers. They're orthopedic. (What? Your arches aren't gonna support themselves! See you when I'm eighty, suckers!)

My family is super pragmatic and tends to give totally unsurprising and useful gifts. My sister got a wind-up radio/flashing help signal for her trunk. It's awesome.
glvalentine: (Default)
Chris Weitz will direct New Moon. He's expected to be in Vancouver on Monday to start pre-production.

Let's note it's a dude, just to get that out of the way.

Then let's note the last movie he did: The Golden Compass.

Yeah, because THAT was a cinematic gem. By all means, put him in charge of another book adaptation with a rabid and easily-put-off fanbase! He'll do GREAT!

He's a brave guy to have taken it. Also, probably an idiot. Just saying.
glvalentine: (Default)
We all know how I feel about Twilight. (*screams*)

However, firing the director (who by all accounts was beloved by her cast) is a little suspicious coming on the heels of a $70.6 million dollar opening weekend. I mean, we get that you hate a woman who's too successful, but damn, the woman's still on her European press tour trying to plug the movie. You couldn't wait a week to dump her for McG?

Ugh, I hate supporting a movie with such anti-feminist content, but it was written by a woman and directed by a woman, and that's pretty rare. Plus, it had a huge opening, which is even more rare - so rare apparently it will never happen again! Nice one.
glvalentine: (Default)
So I wrote up a movie death match for between Inkheart and Bedtime Stories (totally not a fair fight, since one has Adam Sandler in it and automatically loses forever), and as a surprise to no one, Inkheart is more awesome.

And the more I poked around the Inkheart stills, the more awesome it looks. It's book porn, coat porn, and Awesome British Actor Camp porn. Featuring Helen Mirren and a unicorn. Sold!

Any movie that has a scene in a book market is okay by me. )
glvalentine: (Default)
…the agony of internet forums, all in one post on Oh No They Didn't.

I will say this: in the midst of all my issues with Twilight, the thing that actually interests me is the human-shaped hilarity that is Robert Pattinson. He's awesome, you guys. He rejected the "media training" the studio tried to give him, and has given some of the best sound bytes ever about the movie (including talking about how the book is clearly just Stephenie Meyer's own sexual fantasies written down, and how Edward is a manic-depressive stalker who hates himself and must have series issues since he's a 108-year-old-virgin). You have to love a guy who ignores all promo advice and chooses instead to be hilariously, sociopathically honest:

You couldn’t get a date [before this film]?

When I was in London, it was like, not at all. I don’t know why. That’s all I talked about the whole of last year—that I need to get a girlfriend. I need to get a girlfriend and then this year, I could have any 12-year-old I wanted (laughter).

You just know after hearing this, some publicist jumped out a window. Twice.

And then the world's saddest thing, from the same post. I laughed (it's impossible not to), but after listening to the girls in line being so absolutely absorbed in this idea of the ideal protective-yet-caring, handsome, super-rich, and sneakily-abusive boyfriend, I read this comment with a sinking stomach.

Honey, just…leave that dude you're with, okay? Team College, seriously.

I am still working on two things for Twilight: a We Need to Talk with screencaps and everything, and the big article about opening night with quotes from the girls in line, which I can't seem to finish because it involves looking at my notes and seeing that out of the nine people I spoke to, all nine people thought Edward never crossed any sort of "abusive or controlling" line with Bella. Seven of those nine thought this behavior was okay in the real world, and said they would put up with it if a boyfriend treated them that way. I'll finish the article sometime this weekend, hopefully, but the picture painted by these answers depresses the shit out of me, I'm not going to lie.

ETA: [ profile] buymeaclue has some thinky thoughts about how it will probably be okay, despite my crushing despair.
glvalentine: (omg no)
Before you give in to the lethargy of a full stomach and agree to take your cousin and her BFF to go see Twilight just for a few hours away from the relatives, there are Ten Things You Should Know.

I am not messing around, people. Hannah will back me up here. It is no joke, going to see this movie. It is Serious Bizness.
glvalentine: (costume)
So I wrote Fantasy's Guide to Holiday Fashion as a spoof of all those horrible "Here are the best dresses for the party scene!" articles you see everywhere at the end of the year. Hint: I don't go to parties. I don't want dresses for imaginary parties. Show me pleats or keep it moving!

Entertainment Weekly, in an attempt to fill a slideshow quota, put up Five Movie Costumes That Could Hit The Costume Hall of Fame, which I am pretty sure does not actually exist. Also, they chose end-of-year party-type dresses that really makes this piece a "How to Dress for the Holidays" without really saying so. Also, I have some notes.

Their #1: Nicole Kidman's cheongsam in Australia.

O RLY? )
glvalentine: (omg no)
Well, at least it's the biggest opening ever for a female director?

$70.6 million dollars since Friday.

Good news: Women are a box-office force again, apparently? It's like when Clinton hit the primaries and everyone remembered that women could vote.

Bad news: Apparently women all want to see movies about relationship abuse! (Ladies, ladies, we already HAVE Lifetime, and they air "Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?" at LEAST once a week. Come on, now.)
glvalentine: (Default)
Sure, the line was bad. Sure, the movie was worse.

But this guy was on the lobby poster, and it might be the worst.

(For a version of this picture that's not going through heroin withdrawal, check it.)

That dude is wearing a brocade waistcoat and a ruffly jabot that is inexplicably not attached to any sort of shirt. That makes this a full-contact No Chemise Foul, people. That shit ain't right.


glvalentine: (Default)
Genevieve Valentine

September 2010

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